“Return, O backsliding children,” says the LORD; “for I am married to you. I will take you, one from a city and two from a family, and I will bring you to Zion. And I will give you shepherds according to My heart, who will feed you with knowledge and understanding."
Jeremiah 3: 14-15 NKJV
History of Addiction
Attending public schools its known there are different crowds of people with different interest. Unfortunate I choose some times a couple of friends that did cocaine the peer pressure seeps in where I was desperate to belong I did the things they did. Eventually my detachment of a Godly doctrine in my life went really into a hidden place when I made a decision to strip in 11th grade (2nd semester) in high school (I was already 18yrs old). I would go to school in the day be home my 3:45pm to 4:00pm and by 5pm the strip club owner would drive to my house pick me up along with other girls and we would work fully nude strippers at night til 2-3 am. My life was far from normal. I would see all kinds of men and woman. All while during this season of my life I would still hang out with my friends that did cocaine and at one point I was offered by my friend to have sex with a dealer so we would get a large amount of cocaine for me and my friends. And I went along with their requests. Towards the summer i met a man (was supposed to be my boyfriend) that introduced me to smoking cocaine. The day he introduced me to smoking cocaine I was with my cousin and her boyfriend. And after that day I had told my cousin that we should smoke more often it was nice. And from there the addiction to smoking cocaine began.
This is a picture of one of my classmates Adrian Deleon (top center) and her and friend Tito with her sister Christina Deleon (lace). I also have a sister named Christina (but she is not in the pic). ME and my friend Adrian would go to school in the day and strip at night, we did NO cocaine together. We were just genuine friends sick in other ways together (like high school strippers).
The addiction of cocaine was many years and many negative things happened not just to me but my family to the point were my moms house was getting foreclosed (but i had no idea it had anything to do with my addiction, which I thought I did in secret).
Struggles to Stop Smoking
We eventually moved to Wisconsin and this is around the time I had Bruno. My son is so beautiful, everyone loved my son, there was not one time that i didn't go somewhere and someone spoke something beautiful about my son Bruno Matthew Varela.
When he was (i believe) 9 months old my mom took him back to Texas so the rest of my family would get to meet him. And this is when I made the decision to smoke again with his dad, and since Bruno wasn't there, we smoked almost everyday. After several months my mom drove back to Wisconsin with my son (he was probably 18-20 months) but by this time I was not able to stop smoking cocaine.
My genuine desire to love my son was so great I hurt so much because I knew he needed me but my desire to smoke was very real too. I made several attempts to stop I moved several times, separated from Bruno's dad several times but nothing worked.
So I made the decision to move back to Texas altogether, but again when I was on my own I started to seek to smoke and was in a spiral of a massive mess. I had many people holding me captive, unaware of the truth of my mind and how it affected my life and actions. I lived sexually immoral for I would yield myself to men if I knew I would get drugs or money for drugs. My desires were massively sick, and unhealthy, especially for Bruno by this time he was about 3 years old.
The beginning of a new creation
At one point I remember around 3 am after smoking several days with my cousin I started to watch TBN and desperately desired help to stop smoking and knowing my needed a Godly intervention I prayed for God to help me.
My family were instigators to my demise, and the only way I was gonna give the healthy mother my son Bruno deserves I need to do things for myself.
I started to read Joyce Meyer's book Battle field of the mind, and it was ground breaking for me, it provided me a whole new perspective to view myself and surroundings to become better and healthier especially in the mind. However the more I overcame the evil strongholds upon me the more evil the attacks become and was lead to find more information to be completely healed. My mind was engulfed with spiritual warfare soon the desires of drugs were from me, but I had no rest of my senses.
Fast Forward to the back sliding
In 2016 I had been clean of cocaine for about a year (+/-) and when I was release from jail I made the decision to try to smoke again, since I lost Bruno in my CPS case (I was in jail to long). I had been released of much sick desires and strongholds that when I smoked cocaine, it had literally no effect upon me as before. I did try for several days to smoke but still nothing. So I made a decision to (at the time) to do whatever I could get Bruno back in my full custody instead and be rid of narcotics for good.
It was 6 years I have been sober of cocaine. I have, however; tried to get many jobs, attend many churches for help for the spiritual war to go away.
But no solutions manifest, and I am so discouraged I made the decision 2/3/2023 to back slide again. I don't know why when I know the drug does nothing to me. I was reminded of my son Bruno, but I am so frustrated with the outcome of everything as a whole so far, I forced myself to continue to drink beer and soon I found myself at a gas station called on anyone there where to score. The old man offered a place to smoke and his supplies and I just went along and wanted to smoke. I hate this I was doing good in my obedience to the Lord but he has not returned his promises of shelter, comfort, opportunities for secure income, and above all the restoration of my family with Bruno. we are torn apart.
I hate cocaine its a waist of my money, I'm taken advantage of sick people that do really evil deeds. I was choking practically the whole time, I couldn't breath, I was afraid of my life, but I was still there forcing myself to do something bad. I took a hit i inhaled and I could feel my self in suffocation but I kept sucking the air in wanting to feel something. I hate my life (this discription is the same with both) .
I'm threatened with rape, I'm constantly declaring out load, to the best my knowledge, I don't even have sex, but I'm taunted always daily that someone hipotizes me and rapes me, so idk and have no proof, but the taunting continues.
My relatives torment me, I cant see Bruno, I get harassed he was getting rap and for months, I try to help him. I'm poor, alone , and no church for real spiritual support. I try to belong, I try different cities, I try different states. I try different churches. I admitted myself to a mental hospital in Edinburg Texas (but no avial). How can I move on, how do I get better especially for Bruno. He's getting older and grew up without me and his memory of me is not very pleasant. I'm always talking about spiritual attacks I suffer. I'm tired of hitting myself. I'm tired of being homeless.
To start over... start over everything again my sobriety (alcohol, and drugs). God told his own people that backslided to return to him and he stayed committed to them though they did evil and backslided in wickedness. I found comfort to know in the process of to become better God the Holy father promises to stay committed to me too (it's his character). Under the Convent of Lord Jesus Christ I have access to the Father and no matter the amount of my sins, and sickness I'm like drowning here desperate for his acceptance and God love to belong.I can continue in my journey with Lord Jesus Christ to be better (made holy).
I know its' not over in my journey to overcome. The Holy father does STILL loves me and is with me in my journey to overcome in all areas of my life.
*Im backsliding agian (3/2023)... honestly I don't know why I'm doing this...but I'm alone, homeless, not allowed to see nor even talk to my son....and above all I'm taunted of woman always wanting me to feel worthless all by men that are not even mine! And no matter how much I tell them get out my life they are the ones pathetic and obsessed with me for no reason. But whatever!
Anyway how bout I just see myself out side the gate and rebelling against the Lord! And when I'm ready I'll reconcile myself back to the Lord Jesus Christ with the fallowing writing...------->
" Go, proclaim this message toward the north: “’Return, faithless Israel,’ declares the LORD, ‘I will frown on you no longer, for I am faithful,’ declares the LORD, ‘I will not be angry forever. Only acknowledge your guilt— you have rebelled against the LORD your God, ...and have not obeyed me,’” declares the LORD."
Jeremiah 3:12-13 NIV
This is a Restart towards positive outcomes from good honest intentions leading into actions. A place to belong and grow together with healthy perspectives, and a healthy mind. And when all is said and done to give All the Glory to the Real Lord Jesus Christ!
By Caron Gonzalez
Since 3/13/2023 I restarted my sobriety from narcotics. In Lord Jesus Christ name Amen!